walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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