it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
