I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
