dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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