I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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