i don't plan on having that self control this summer
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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