Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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