Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
