I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
