Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
