The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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