I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
