I want to walk on stilts...naked
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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