I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
