i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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