you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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