the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
