you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
