If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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