Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
