i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
