if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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