you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
