Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
