Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
