I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
