I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
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