What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
