I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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