So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
