Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
