Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
