When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
