My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
