We won't sleep together?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
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