Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
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