If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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