I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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