I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
