I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
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