i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
