Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I touched a dick in church today
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
