You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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