Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
he puts the penis in happiness.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
So many bounce houses so little time
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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