You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
