Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
