That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
