This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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