I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I take back everything I said about communal showers
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
