I molested 6 butterflies tonight
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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