Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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