During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
