my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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