I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
