You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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