So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
