I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize