How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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