...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
