every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize