I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
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