DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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