You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize