sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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