Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
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