Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Randomize
