I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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